Fearful

"I am not going down by myself". I sternly told my brother. We had borrowed our mother's inflatable kayak which we had used for some fun river adventures while we were living in Jackson for the summer. We had run Lower Canyon a couple of times when the water level was high and the waves in California Curler were big enough to knock me back, but Daniel had always been the guide. I trusted his judgement on the river. But today he wanted to try kayaking which would mean I would be in my mom's duckie by myself, I would be the one guiding it. I had told him there was no way I would do it. Thoughts of the waves at Big Kahuna and Lunch Counter scared me. I didn't trust myself to maneuver safely over those rapids. Somehow my brother made me think that maybe he wouldn't kayak, that we would be in the duckie together, so I went along with him. But as we approached the Boys Camp, where his kayak was stored, I began to get really nervous. My brother, seemingly uninterested in my anxiety told me, "find someone here to go with you." As awkward as it was to ask guys who were more acquaintances than friends to go with me, I decided it was worth it. I wasn't skilled enough to guide myself down that river! I had no luck. Everyone already had plans. We left for the put-in, my brother with his kayak, and me empty-handed. My brother and I had a system going to get things ready for the river. I would pump up the duckie while he drove his truck to the take-out and hitched a ride back. While he was gone, some of his river guiding friends from the ward showed up with their kayaks. "Oh great!" I thought sarcastically. I had always thought these guys were the coolest and I really wanted to impress them since they were more my brother's friends than mine. "This is going to be embarrassing, now they'll really know how unskilled and unadventurous I am." I waited anxiously for my brother, hoping he would return quickly so we could start before this group. However, my brother was grateful to have more of his friends there, turns out he was a little nervous to be in his kayak and having more experts around meant more people to rescue him if the need arose. So all of us headed out together. What I had dreaded had come to be, I was on the duckie by myself. My thoughts were still on the bigger rapids that wouldn't come until almost the end. In a way it was a blessing to have a bigger group who knew the river. They were able to indicate where the dangerous spots were, but my thoughts were so focused on Big Kahuna and Lunch Counter and being in the duckie by myself that I wasn't really enjoying myself. I didn't take many risks, stayed to the side of rapids if I thought they looked too big. Rapids that I would have been fine with had my brother been in the boat with me. The closer I got to the dreaded rapids, the more nervous I got, and the less fun I was having. I was able to skirt the side of Big Kahuna and miss most of it, but I knew there would be no missing Lunch Counter, which was soon approaching; that rapid took up the whole river. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't do it, I had made my decision and right before the rapid, I brought my boat to the side and got out on dry land. I watched everyone else go by, relieved that I was out of the river. I then had to get to work, rolling the duckie up while I tried to clean off the dirt, haul it up the hill to the parking lot. As I did so I began thinking, "maybe I could have done it" My brother's truck drove into the lot and I got in with him and one of the boys who had done the trip with us. I was embarrassed because I had wimped out, but tried to make friendly conversation. After dropping the guy off, I called my dad, hoping for some reassurance, someone to tell me that it was good for me to drop out if I felt like it was too dangerous. Instead I got the response, "you could have done it." I'm sure it was well-intentioned, but it made me feel worse. Why had I been so scared?

Fear is a funny thing. There are times when it is good to have a sense of fear. It keeps people from getting too close to the edge of a cliff. But how many times do we worry too much about our fears, that we aren't able to enjoy the here and now? That kind of fear makes life unenjoyable. Sometimes we are capable of overcoming whatever it was that we feared so much, but because we focused so much on our fears and doubts, that we end up bailing or not trying our hardest.

The way kids see things

One reason I love working with kids is their comments that make me laugh. Often this is due to their misinterpretation of things. I'll admit I did the same kind of thing when I was young. I knew a little about colleges, that my mom went to BYU which she sometimes called "the Y" and my dad went to the U. I remember wondering if I knew anyone that went to "the B". The other day I heard a student say, "I used to live in Utah, now I live in Utah's Best Mix". A boy last year told me "I'm a carnivore because I eat meat and I'm a vegetarian because I eat vegetables." Sometimes kids look at the facts and draw the wrong conclusions. For example, I overheard an older elementary student say, "All of the girls in my class that have a boyfriend have brown hair. You know so and so? She is really pretty and has blonde hair and USED to have a boyfriend, but not anymore, it's just the brown haired girls. My mom dyed her hair brown and that's when she met my dad. See?" Now that one I do wish were a little more true :)

I wonder if that's the way Heavenly Father thinks about our reasoning. Compared to Him we've still got a lot of understanding to obtain, so I'm sure our views are a little skewed and he probably gets to laugh at our misconstrued ideas.

Gratitude

I am blessed with an amazing family heritage. My relatives and ancestors possess certain qualities that I admire and hope someday to obtain. The Joneses, for example, are characterized by their easy-going nature, their optimism and their ability to find joy in whatever circumstance life brings.

Last summer, on my Shoshone Lake adventure, I was able to observe my uncle exemplify these attributes as I spent time with him and my aunt. After canoeing over Lewis Lake, then through the channel that connected it with Shoshone Lake, we made it to our first campsite, complete with a small beach, a solar powered toilet and a private meadow in the backyard. We set up camp and had just gotten our stoves out to start cooking dinner when we began to feel water coming from above. I remember huddling close to my stove, trying to block the wind and rain. It was my first time cooking on a backpacking stove and it wasn't working so well. It wasn't an easy task to get our stoves working and our food cooked in the rain, but somehow we managed. When the rain finally did stop, my uncle, instead of focusing on how difficult the rain had made things, commented on how nice the rain felt, on how beautiful it made everything look. The next day, we did our best to dry our gear off, load it on the canoes and head off to our second campsite, located across the lake. At this new site, we hiked a small hill to set up camp, from which we could walk a short distance to the edge of a cliff to have an amazing view of the lake. I could tell my uncle really enjoyed this new spot. He commented, something to the effect of how lucky we were. That our first campsite was beautiful, and that although this new campsite was different, it was also a wonderful spot. That night there wasn't any rain and my uncle told us how grateful he was for the sun. "Funny," I thought, "just yesterday you told us how much you love the rain. Now you're grateful for the sun." Everything we encountered in our journey, he seemed to sincerely enjoy. I image that whatever the weather or circumstance, he would have found plenty of reasons to love it.

So how do we do it? How do we find joy in everything we encounter in life? In my institute class we were talking about how Satan got Eve to partake of the fruit. Eve was surrounded by good fruits that she could eat and there was only one that she was told not to eat. That's what Satan got her to focus on and that's when she fell. That's the way we fall as well; when we focus on what we can't have, don't have, or whatever we perceive to be going wrong in our lives. President Monson said, "A grateful heart, then, comes through expressing gratitude to our Heavenly Father for His blessings and to those around us for all that they bring into our lives. This requires conscious effort—at least until we have truly learned and cultivated an attitude of gratitude." So it takes a conscious effort to make any circumstance a good circumstance.

This last weekend I went on another family adventure where I noticed something potential hurdles in our lives. My dad, brother, aunt and uncle rode in kayaks while my mom and I paddled an inflatable kayak down Muddy Creek, a creek that runs through a canyon in the San Rafeal Swell area. The water level was about a foot lower than what we would have deemed perfect, which meant there were lots of rocks to avoid along the way. No one in the group escaped without hitting and getting stuck on rocks, but the duckie was a little harder to maneuver and with our lack of skill, my mom and I became rock magnets and for our boat seemed to find more than its fair share of rocks. Somewhere in the stretch of our run, I learned the best way to approach the river. First, keep a sharp eye out for signs of rocks. Many times they are hidden just under the water, but if you watch the water, you will see curlers on the ends of the waves, letting you know where the rocks are. Once you spot the rocks, you do your best to maneuver around them. Sometimes there's too many in the way, your reaction time wasn't quick enough or a number of other reasons and you end up hitting them anyways. If this happens, when you see that there is no way to avoid hitting the rocks, learn towards them, not away. If you lean away from the rock, you're more likely to fall out of the boat, so leaning towards it is the best bet to keeping you safe. In life we do our best to avoid sticky or tough situations. We have to fight for what we want to happen, but there will be times when no matter what we do, we find ourselves headed straight towards an obstacle. When we know we can't avoid it, it's time to lean towards it, embrace it, make it a sweetness in our lives. We do this by focus on the good it brings or can bring into our lives and then it becomes a blessing. In this life we are confronted with many obstacles that have the potential to either strengthen us or make us miserable. The difference is our attitude, how we approach the situation. Do we, like my uncle, look for the good in everything that we encounter; thus making life sweet. Or do we tend to focus on what we lack. Although it's not always easy, it takes practice and conscious effort, the choice is ultimately ours.

Conqueror

It was late July and my summer adventure would soon be coming to an end. I had been living, working and exploring the great outdoors in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Having a whole free day to myself I decided that there was a hike that needed to be conquered. I had attempted this canyon three years previously when some friends took me there. I remember thinking how steep and hard core that climb was. I took several breaks to rest and gather strength. I remember running out of water and wondering if I could make it much further without any (luckily a friend had some to spare me).

With memories of my last endeavor running through my mind, I headed up the mountain. The scenery was beautiful and wildlife was abundant. Before I knew it, I was on the switchbacks and I began to climb. Not so bad, I thought and I continued upward. As I arrived at Surprise Lake, my destination, I questioned Am I already here?" I remembered it being so much harder last time. This time I think I stopped only one time the whole way up for about five seconds to get a swig of water. I enjoyed the scenery, of the lake, hiked up to the next lake and then back down. At the bottom, I looked at my clock and was amazed, it was only mid-afternoon, I still had half a day to explore! Last time I had hiked this canyon it had been a whole day event and that's what I had expected this trip would be! I was amazed at how much more active I had become. How had it happened?

I think sometimes we don't realize how strong we've become or how much we've progressed. I had spent the summer hiking or biking almost daily because Jackson had so much beauty to be enjoyed. My daily activities, little by little, made me that much more in shape. I was lucky that day to be able to compare my old hiking self to the hiker I had become.

With some aspects of life it's hard to look back and see how much we've grown because certain types of progress are hard to measure. How do I know if I'm becoming more charitable, patient, courageous, or outgoing? It happens just like a good hike- one step at a time; just like I became more fit one hike or bike ride at a time. People in my high school, and even into college, knew me as a shy, quiet person. Sometimes I still have those shy tendencies where I don't really feel like going out of my way to talk to others, or I'm scared to talk to someone I don't know very well. But every time I do, I'm taking another step up my mountain; making one of my weaknesses a strength. In my experience, a good trail is one that will lead you to an amazing view that makes the whole trip worth while. When you can look down and see how far you've come you feel a great sense of accomplishment. It also gives you a better view and understanding of the layout of the land. However, the trail to the top will lead you to places, covered with trees or behind the mountain where you can't see how far you've come or how much progress you've made. But you don't give up, you keep climbing, you trust that the end will be worth it. That's life, we press on and trust that we really are becoming better. It may not be till after this life that we discover how truly worth it our journey is.

Laugh it up!

I have a problem laughing at the wrong time. I don't mean to, in fact sometimes I don't realize I've laughed until someone points it out. A few months ago I was sitting in a truck at a gas station waiting for some friends when I overheard a couple nearby arguing. I didn't know the whole situation, but the whole disagreement seemed pretty trivial, so for some odd reason, I laughed. The girl looked over and for a second, I froze. I hadn't realized the truck window was down and the laugh was accidental! I was scared that she might come over and yell at me. Luckily, she didn't. She actually gave out a small laugh. Phew! I was saved, my problem with my involuntary laugh hadn't killed me...yet. There have been a few occasions where my roommate has come out of her room with a fun outfit or new article of clothing that she's purchased and asks what we think. I love my roommate's style, it's outgoing and full of colors. But before I voice my opinion my roommate comments about how I laughed at her. Had I laughed? I guess I had, but if I did it was out of pure happiness because her outfit is so fun. Wrong time to laugh. I promise her I'm not laughing AT her outfit, but it sure sounded like it. So if I laugh at you, don't take offense, it probably doesn't mean anything. Like my dad always told me, "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you except you're not laughing"

I wish I had the words to describe the beauty of the scenery that surrounded me as I looked over the lake. The sunset was full of brilliant colors and there was a calm feeling that filled the air. It had been one of those trips that I'd always wanted to do, canoe camping at Shoshone Lake. Getting the permit for this trip was easier than expected but finding people willing and able to come with was near impossible. Why doesn't everyone get summers off like I do? Luckily, I have a retired aunt and uncle who are still in good enough shape for all types of adventures. I learned a lot about life from the stories and experiences they told, but it was here, as I sat on a ledge, looking out on God's creations, that I discovered for myself, a great lesson about life. The hills surrounding the lake were filled with pine trees and yet I noticed that they weren't in perfect lines. In fact, there were small sections where the trees had burned down years ago and trees here and there that had just gotten old and had fallen down. Then I noticed the hill to the side of me that showed signs of a small rock slide down to the lake. Nature does have a sense of order to it, but it's also got flowers scattered her and there, trees and rocks dispersed throughout in no particular order. It's the randomness makes it unique and breathtaking. Isn't that just like our lives? Things don't always go according to what we plan, yet most things tend to work out in the end and even produce better results than what we could have imagined. Nature is the perfect example of this. When destruction happens, instead of fighting against it, nature just lets it happen, realizing that there is some bigger plan involved than just the here and now. Realizing that a tree that falls down will provide needed minerals to the soil. Realizing that some of the biggest destruction creates the canyons that millions come to admire. What some might call "destruction" actually added to the beauty. Now when I don't understand why certain things are happening, or aren't happening in my life, I just remember to "let things be". Trust in God and He will make my life beautiful. That's what I did when I received what I thought to be the most intimidating calling of Sunday School teacher- sure I teach elementary school, but those kids will believe anything you tell them, being a Sunday School teacher means that I have to get up in front of my peers (I leave the role of center of attention to my roommates) and know enough about the Old Testament to keep a lesson going. That's what I did when things at work didn't turn out the way I thought they should. Just keep going- you'll find a reason for everything eventually.